I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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