i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
