so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
