the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
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Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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