I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
