I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
