so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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