my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
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I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize