my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
