I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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