Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
