well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
