woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
