I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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