Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
