remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
