if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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