a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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