Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
