fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
