Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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