Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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