Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
