your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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