you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
