his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
