Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
