my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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