Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
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I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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