I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I touched a dick in church today
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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