on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Your penis caused this!
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