The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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