you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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