Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
