I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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