Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.