i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
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I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.