What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
