Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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