New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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