I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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