she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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