So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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