I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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