don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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