I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
