Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
