I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
