And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
