New low: just hacked my moms facebook
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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