I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
