I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
