When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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