The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
