I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
And then he peed in my hair
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
