I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
